Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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