look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
