Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
