she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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