you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
