i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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