So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
