please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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