girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
