I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
