we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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