The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
even my farts smell like vagina
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
