the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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