i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
