do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
