You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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