We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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