Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This is my gift to your gina
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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