We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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