i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
