To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
