Dude my mom stole all your condoms
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
