I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
