..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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