I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
