Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
