I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
not ubering you a puppy
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
