I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
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