drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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