My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
