So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
