Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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