I'm so fucking centered right now
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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