I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
