if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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