then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
