Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
