tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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