chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
