the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
