dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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