mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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