you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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