my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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