He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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