The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
