sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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