You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
