JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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