no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If that was your dad, he is hot
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
