its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
